Friday, February 13, 2009


It is 3:22am.

I feel sort of tired, and can't stop thinking. 

I should seriously consider popping a natural sleeping pill every now and then. The only problem is, the only time I remember that I should buy some is when it is 3:22am and I can't sleep... again.

Here's what is on my mind:

Andrew. I cannot stop thinking about him. I tried to call him twice since I returned from Halifax 10 days ago, and still no word from the East Coast. And the thing is with Andrew, I never have to worry about when I should call him, how often, at what time. It never used to matter. We could talk for 7 days straight and then go for 3 weeks without speaking. There were no fucked-up dating rules about looking too desperate or anything. 

But now that I have opened up this can of worms, acknowledged the ambiguity of our relationship and having both expressed some kind of feelings, we have now been sucked into that realm of "Am I calling too much?".

And I hate that shit! I just want to talk to him, and now I have to be patient and wait until he has time to call me, or even worse, is ready to call me. Fuck. So I sit here every day of my mostly jobless life, suddenly trapped with no car or means of escape in the suburbs, overanalysing every last detail of what we said and did, and wondering what is going on in his head since I left. 

And that is the main reason I am so desperate to talk to him. I just want to know if he has been thinking about me; about us. 

I went to Cuba for a week this past summer, and while gone received 6 voicemails from Andrew. SIX! And he didn't call me for any reason, other than to fuck around and leave me numerous messages at a time, and to say he missed me. So it is pretty clear that as soon as I became unavailable, he desperately wanted to talk to me about nothing important. Just wanted to talk.

So how do I become unavailable? Should I play this game? I have a couple of problems, first being I don't have the necessary funds to fly down south just to play hard-to-get. And Murphy's Law says that he probably wouldn't take the bait just because it is what I am anticipating.

I could always disappear from Facebook, MSN, anything that shows that I am alive and bored.

But then again, if I am doing this with intentions of making Andrew think about me, does that mean he won't? Fucken Murphy. I hate that bitch.

So maybe I should take a break from Facebook and MSN anyways, because since I have come back home, they have been taking over my life. I sit there, hourrrrrsss on end, facestalking Andrew, his girlfriend, random kids I went to school with. I should spend all that time doing productive things like job hunting, playing music, socialising in REAL LIFE and perhaps excercising. Who knows, it might be good for me. So okay, I am going to do it, it is time to deactivate that account (temporarily of course). 

I have already deactivated my facebook once or twice, and I hate how those smug bastards refuse to let you do it until you select WHY. And they have the audacity and yet absolute wisdom to put as an option "I'll be back on Facebook later." They know they are a fucken drug. Unhealthy and unavoidably addictive. 

So now I will get right too it, facestalking for one last glorious moment in time before I deactivate. And I will pretend that I am doing it solely for myself and not so that Andrew will talk to me, so that Murphy doesn't come kick my ass yet again.

Wish me luck.


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