Saturday, February 14, 2009


I am starting to think it is time for me to get organized. I am sick of my inability to make decisions because I can't get my act together long enough!

Example: tonight is Valentine's day, that annoying fucking day that makes single people bitter, and even more bitter for letting it bug them. I try to treat it like a normal day, but somehow I can't escape the pressure to not sit at home doing nothing.

So I am too broke too go out, and nor in the mood with this ongoing tension headache, so I asked my single friend Ashley to watch a movie with me, hopefully of the non-love theme. Then I got an invite to go see a movie downtown with a friend and some of hers, and invited Ashley to do that instead. She declined; heavy pre-midterm study time. She encouraged me to go anyhow. I decided I would go, checked the train schedule, which just changed in January, and found out it sucked ass even more, and I would be getting to the movie late, plus I couldn't afford the 7$ train ticket nor find my mom's train pass, so now I am back at square one.

I refused two other invites from my girlfriends, ensuite of my pending money issues and headache.

So now, I feel like if I could have just organized myself earlier on, actually planned to get the train pass before my mom went out, I could have looked at the train schedule early on and made sure I got downtown. Instead I am stuck here with no car, no money, and no weed.

And no fucken boys.

My sister started explainging to me over supper that five guys had asked her out tonight and she had to reject every single one because she's working. And this did not upset her; she gained a sense of satisfaction from her independance and rejection-dishing skills. I, on the other hand, can't find a male friend or fuck friend in sight, never mind a real DATE. 

And so I sit here imagining what I might do tonight. I can actually feel minute movements in my brain moving one way and then the next because I can't fucken decide what to do EVER, and I always find myself stuck like this, shallow breathing, tense back, no plans. Here are my fabulous options:
1. Sit on this computer and job-hunt.
2. Watch a movie by myself, sober.
3. Watch a movie with my parents, sober.
4. Use the remainder of my funds to buy weed and watch a movie.

All of those things suck, except the last one is not so bad, considering it involves substance abuse. 

And my best friend is currently in Florida, so we cannot share our misery as usual.

But all I really want to do is spend the night with Andrew, jamming. Fat chance with him living in Halifax and all that. 

I have to go move there. Fuck it. I am actually happy when I am around him, even if he has a girlfriend. I just need to be there, doing what I want. I don't jam with anyone around here. I just don't know why I can't make it happen. It is so hard for me to foster new friendships with people who want to jam, especially now that I have no job or school through which I can network, no money to go out and socialize, and no home on the island of Montreal, where people can actually visit without it costing them loads of time and money.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. And yes, I am trying to get off my ass and do something about it.

I have some job plans in the running. Hopefully I can save up enough money to go to Halifax for the summer. I want to be there. I need to be there. Not just for Andrew, for myself; for an escape, for the ocean, the music, the fresh faces. 

People say that running away does not solve your problems, but obviously those people have never just escaped being hit by a car by running away from it. Or running away from an abusive lover. Isn't running away from a place where I can't seem to grasp happiness a good idea, even if it is temporary? There will always be something else coming to bring you down, and then something following it to bring you back up. So what is the problem if I decide to run away until that gets stale, and then move onto the next thing? I think it's a good plan. 

Robert Frost said, "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."


That is what I am going to do. That is what I am going to plan on doing. As long as I have a plan, maybe I can get my feet back on the ground and work towards that goal, rather than spending so much time trying to figure out every situation at once and make it all perfect. 

So here is my plan:
1. Find a job. Any job to raise some money.
2. Pay off my credit cards.
3. Buy a plane ticket to Halifax.
4. Spend summer in Hali.

And then we will see where it goes from there. What is the point of trying to figure out what I am going to do about Andrew, career, life, all at once?

We'll see where this road takes me.


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