Monday, February 9, 2009

Home, Sweet Home


In the last couple of weeks, or rather days, a couple of things have happened that have changed everything.

1. I went to Halifax to see Andrew, my best (and very attractive male) friend of 5+ years. This confirmed my feelings for him, which lead to a talk. A restricted talk, considering he has a girlfriend, but basically my feelings for him were made known, and, get this, reciprocated! Maybe not fully- I have no one in my life right now, and this makes me sure that I want to be with him eventually. He has someone in his life, but he still has always wondered about us, felt more-than-friendly feelings towards me, and admitted that if we were to sleep together at this point, it wouldn't be wierd. Which is great when you are hoping with all your might that your friendship hasn't been shut into the "brother-sister" box.

2. Andrew also wants me to move to Halifax. Why? "Because you're my best friend, and it would be fun." So now I am very in limbo, considering the move. I told him I didn't think I could move there while he is in a relationship; it makes me too jealous. But I miss him so much and love that place so much that I am considering it, at one point in my life, or maybe a trial this summer. And so now I spend most of my thoughts thinking about Andrew and Halifax.

3. I moved back home! Ah! 

When I was in Halifax, I got a bird's-eye view on my life in Montreal. I thought to myself, what the fuck am I going to do with myself/my life? And how the hell can I pay for an apartment with scarcest of all scarce income? So I decided to move back to my parent's house in the burbs. 

And the thing is, so far, I am actually happy. There is a sense of relief that hits you when you have been struggling to keep something going for so long, stretching it to its limit and forcing yourself to come to the conclusion that you just.can'' 

And so I gave in. Just like that, I decided in a matter of seconds to return home, when for months before that I was despising the idea- the failure- that was looming inevitably ahead. 

This made me realise something. Or made me remember something I already realised: I have to do everything all the way, to the end of the rope, to see it's terrible conclusion so I can remember it and really know that there is no turning back. I don't like to make decisions, so I guess I force the outcomes on myself so that when I see everything crash and burn, it really has to be over, and I am relieved and will never doubt that I made the right decision. It is hard to have room for regret when you are always going down a one way street and hitting a dead end. 

You just have to turn around.

And maybe this takes more time, but I also like to hope and think that it builds character and wisdom. Cross my fingers. I hope I am doing something right because I don't know how to change at this point. 

So now I have to decide what kind of job to take, where to take it (suburbs, Montreal, Halifax!?), for how long, where to live, and on top of all that, if I should take the Leap of Faith for Love right now or in X time. 

My friend Kim tells me I put too much emphasis on getting everything perfect at once. I have such a hard time believing that all things will fall in their place though by me NOT trying my hardest. Just waiting for life to unroll properly. I think that is how it happens, but since I don't really have faith in any higher power, it is hard to believe that "hard work + effort = things working out" is actually false. It is more like "hard work + effort + chance = things working out". Or is it "not caring so much + chance = things working out". Well I have already exhausted my first two equations, so I think I will give the lazy one a try this time.

Can a perfectionist turn that voice in her head off and tension in her back release and just fucking live?

I'll try. But not before I think of the perfect equation for Letting Go.


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