Friday, January 23, 2009

Guilty

I'm really bored right now.

It is Friday night, 11:07, and I am all dressed up, sitting at home. I haven't been out in a while now because of my pending money situation, but I was making an exception tonight- I decided I would go meet my sister Angela and a couple of friends for the birthday celebration of an aquaintance of mine. Plans were dinner followed by many drinks in the Old Port. So I decide to be budget-savvy and skip the 40$ meal. Problem is, they are still eating right now, and therefore I'm sitting here waiting for the heads-up, too overdressed to join my roommates at a bar before. I think I might just go there if the girls take too long.

In the throes of boredom, I decided to call Andrew. He was at his girlfriend's house, who enthusiastically shouted ''Say hello to Anne!'' when he picked up. This just gave me the guilt-shakes. I hate the feeling that I might say something that will end their relationship. Because when it comes down to it, despite the fact that I am jealous of her and annoyed by her idiosyncrasies, I do actually like her and I think she genuinely likes me. Though she is probably cautious, she doesn't think I am the enemy that I am. At least that is what I have come to believe.

And so knowing that I am going on this trip in 2 days that might change the course of the friendship between Andrew and I, and might destroy the bond between the two of them, is starting to make me feel really bad. The worst part is, I don't even know if I really want to be with Andrew right now, at this point in my life. I am more afraid of losing him to someone else in the long haul. Maybe I should just see how things turn out.

But then again, as I have already realised, keeping my mouth shut for too long may lead to never taking chances. But if Andrew really feels the same way as I do, will he let things get that far with his girlfriend?

Maybe. He may just really think I don't have those kind of feelings for him, and push his own aside. Women tend to be better at deciphering their emotions, so maybe I need to give him the incite to decipher his.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

My brain might just explode.

I think the only reasonable thing to do here is wait and see what the trip is like.

The only problem is, I don't know enough about love or life to know if things should always start out seamlessly. By voicing my feelings, will that just interrupt the flow of things.

Oh and another thing, Andrew has planned this night out for us (''us'' meaning him and his girlfriend and their posse) on the second to last night of my trip. Which means that saying anything before that might make things bizarre.

Oh my God, am I overthinking this or what?

Shit, I forgot to mention a huge fact- Andrew told me his roommate is gone, and now he wants me to move in for the 3 months until the lease expires. And then what? He leaves to move in with his girlfriend? I will not put myself into the same situation again- moving in with someone I have a crush on. NEVER AGAIN!

xx
Anne

2 comments:

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