Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Be Hobos Together

So before I get to my plan, I will tell you this:

I quit the job at the café. A former employee ended up coming in and telling me that she quit because Ownerdouche is a perv. Apparently he 
a. touched her ass
b. asked if he could see her tits for Christmas
c. offered her 100 dollars to sleep with him
d. closed all the lights, locked the doors, and approached her, whereupon she fleed with her friend.

So that is the story I got, and with the prelude I got the other night, I wouldn't take any chances. So I asked my brother to come pick me up. Brother ended up coming, it was really cool, he hung out at my apartment with this friend and I. 

I wish I could have just quit with sass, like told the Ownerdouche that I was quitting because he is an old time stuck-in-the-past, egoistic control-freak loser perv, who offers his employees to protistute themselves to him for the past 49 years with no fucken repurcussions because the cops turn a blind eye to the slave labour and molestation shit that goes on there. It is one of the most corrupt places I have got to see, and when I am a journalist, I will find a way to dig out some of its secrets.

So I grabbed my money and left. Which brings me back to the dead end where I started from. 

Which brings me back to my dead-end new year's eve's phone call to Andrew:
Me: "So basically, I have no real job, bills up to my neck, a pathetic excuse for a broken-down romance, and I have dropped out of Music school."
Andrew: "Why did you drop out of school again?"
Me: "To go to Journalism school."
Andrew: "Well... we have a really great Journalism school here."
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Hmm... maybe I should move there. I mean, I don't really have anything going here right now. Maybe I will actually meet some nice guys and people.
- Yeah you should! Maybe you need a change of scenery. Move here for a year or so, see how things go, if you like it...
- And we can start our band! 


Why would he suggest that? Who really wants their best girl friend to move over to their province? Unless he is just trying to be nice... what would you think?

So I talked to my parents about it (whom are SO convinced that we are two of a kind). They suggested I consider it.

So I thought about it. I talked about it. I looked on Google Map. All this thinking got me thinking- why would I want to go? And the answer wasn't a mere change of scenery. I would have to be willing to pack up my life and move, where I have one sole friend, to an even snowier climate. And I knew it was because I wanted to be nearer to Andrew. And I guess so does he.

The next time I talked to him, a few days later, I mentionned that I actually had thought about his proposal. I told him of my plan to line up a job ahead of time, crash on his couch for a few weeks until an apartment was found, and then be there for the lovely summer season. He said, "Okay, but I don't think I will have my apartment in May, because my lease is over, and I think I will be moving in with Girlfriend."
"Oh really."
"Yeah. I think it would be the best option. I am there pretty much every night."

And then we hung up, and my chest started to collapse. He could not move in with her. What would I do? In the back of my mind, I always told myself that I would someday be around 25, single, and so would Andrew, and we would probably try things out, and it would probably work out, but only after we had our fair share of romances turned sour. Only when we were ready to really make a commitment. 

But this notion of them moving in together so soon brought my mind back up to speed on reality. Why should I assume that I would only want to be with him then? Why should I assume that life will just line up perfectly, and wait for destiny to happen to us? How passive. I realise now I have been so scared of any chance that our friendship would falter, and it has blinded me from the fact that I have feelings for Andrew. Maybe those feelings are cloudy, but they are surfacing, and now I have to do something about it. I realise that if I don't do anything, our lives will keep building in the opposite directions. Our bonds will grow stronger with the people around us, in our seperate environments, until we push down any feelings of what could have been between us if we had just lived in the same place. And I don't want that anymore. I am tired of waiting. Waiting for the next guy to come along, so that I can build a relationship with a huge seed of doubt in the foundation; the idea that Andrew is really the one. 

So I decided I would go there, talk to him, tell him how I feel. That these feelings are coming up, and that I don't exactly know what they mean, but I feel like our lives will continue taking these opposite directions, and I have to tell him the truth before that happens. And I will tell him not to answer me, but to think about it. To think about us.

This is why I feel like my life is a movie.

I never knew I was this dramatic until my roommates told me the other night. But I am going to embrace this drama, because it will fuel my passion and let me really express how I feel to Andrew. Hopefully.

So the night after I came to this realisation, I called Andrew to talk to him; see if I still felt that way or if it was one of those late-and-lonely epiphanies that turn out to be less than true in the harsh light of day.

Minutes into our conversation, he casually asks me if I might still move there. I tell him that I was thinking of planning a trip in a couple of weeks, to check out the area, apartments, the school. It is true, but it is not necessarily my priority, which I feel bad about hiding. But it is not intentional; I am just so used to hiding how I feel about Andrew from myself and from him that my first subconscious impulse is to alter my motivations. So he enthusiastically tells me how great it will be, and that he will plan some apartment visits, and that he will quit his temp job when I get there so that we can "be hobos together". I never knew that expression could be romantic.

And all this, he says in front of Girlfriend, who is bizarrely enough checking apartments for me online, right as we are discussing this. What the fuck?

This makes me feel even guiltier. I am so uncertain about spilling my heart, but at the same time, I know that my feelings have started to get in the way of our friendship. It is hard to not be honest with yourself or the one you... like a lot... for an extended period of time.

Oh my God, I just thought of the perfect song to play for Andrew. I am thinking of making a CD to play at supper, when I plan to tell him.

"Maybe I'm Amazed." by Paul McCartney.

When I was 18 or so, Andrew made me a Paul McCartney Anthology. That just might be the best present anyone ever made me.

So I decided I will go there. I am planning to leave two mondays from now, January 26th. I just need to be sure to mention to him beforehand that I want to see him alone sometimes. I have to give him some sort of indication that I don't want to spend every single day with him and his girlfriend. It is really about him.

And I have to tell him, no matter what. I have to go get this off my chest.

I don't expect a positive response, nor a negative one. He will probably be caught off guard, and I will tell him not to comment until he has thought about it. He will probably tell me we are just friends.

And whether or not that is true, in a matter of time, we will know. But someone has to take the first step across the line.

Fucken shit.



  1. Thanx alot hunn. I actually do write songs. And NYC is great, the best place to be. Hows Canada? I want to go there so badly.

  2. By the way, You should tell Andrew, it seems like you both have a lot of history and I think he most likely already knows you like him. I mean you guys are best friends, I doubt hes that clueless.



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