He's a guy I was seeing in high school, a very brief seeing that doesn't count for much on the scale of one to life. He is attractive physically, but there is something that just didn't click. A couple of reasons:
1. He's an asshole.
2. He's full of himself.
3. He says the most bullshit things to sound smart.
During my high school days where I would take what I could get, but didn't know anything about having game, it went a little bit like this: Mike would show interest, I would return it, he would ask me to hang out, I was too eager, we would go out and make out, and then I would become needy and he would drop off the face of the planet. By the time he came back, I was so over it and would reject him, which would send him under and then have him surface again at a later time. And eventually, I would give him another chance, and he would let me down, and the cycle would start again.
So this year, Facebook's magical powers allowed him to randomly talk to me one day, giving some bullshit emotional apology for his past asshole behaviours. I don't buy anything that he says. I know that he always wants to get into my pants and that is it. But that just so happened to be what I wanted this summer, and so in my pants he went.
The sexual connection was definately there. Not the most earth-shattering sex ever, but still good enough when I was lacking in action.
And so then we began a game of cat-and-mouse yet again, years later, except this time it was for nooky and I really didn't care about him at all, and only mildly cared about him wanting me.
So now we have had sex four or five times, and everytime is the same thing. It is like buisness. He comes over or picks me up, we hang out for a bit and have conversations where we aren't really caring about what the other person is saying but just feel entitled to be heard because we are about to have sex with each other. We talk for as long as I can stand his annoying philosophies, and then we finally say, "Okay, let's do this."
So that is what happened tonight. He asked me to hang out, and I was not sure if I wanted to, considering my feelings for Andrew have been coloring everything I feel and do. I decided it might be a good distraction and good release, so I told Mike to come over, joking to my best friend that I would pretend he was Andrew.
It is very strange to have a sexual encounter with a person time and time again and to never feel more comfortable than the first time. That is what I realised tonight about Mike and I. We never know how to get the ball rolling, because our attraction is purely physical, which makes it mediocre to begin with. But it is physical on the most basic level, a warm, attractive body, not really my type but generically hot. When we speak, we don't really look at each other. I never really even looked him in the eyes tonight. We were sitting squished on my piano bench, and I didn't feel one tingle in my body. It was like there was zero chemistry.
Perhaps there is a quota on meaningless sex with a person. I think after a certain number of times having sex with someone you hold zilch affection for, it all becomes numb.
So we got naked, got off, and got dressed. And I knew right away that it should be the last time. I realise I have been settling, having sex with a person I have zero interest in whatsoever, a guy from my past that I will never get anywhere with. And instead of shrugging it off this time, it depressed me.
Maybe it is because I am not easy-going about anything at this moment in time, but I just felt like I deserve more than a guy that just wants me when I am conveniant, and when he is conveniant to me. Friends with benefits is not necessarily a bad thing, but we aren't even friends! We just don't click, and we never will.
xx
Anne
ps- While we were having sex, I DID imagine he was Andrew. Maybe that is what's so disturbing.
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