Serotonin

So basically, I am verging broke.

I don't know if this economic crisis has anything to do with it, but probably. Everyone keeps talking about it, but do most people really feel it? 

I think I feel it. Or maybe it is just rough luck. But I can't seem to find a full-time job! So right now, I am working part time (a very sporadic part time) for a cosmetics company, to animate Special Events (basically I try to coarse as many people as possible to sit down and have their skin analysed or creamed up so that they buy shit and get a gift with purchase). 

Besides that, I just got a job at this café, a hook-up from my roommate. She says the boss is a control-freak prick, but that  I will learn to make the meanest café au lait and then kiss the place goodbye after 2 weeks. Not to mention it will help my constant stress over the money flow. That is the point of having a job, for most people.

So I also applied for a university mental-health study. They need some healthy young men and women. Hopefully I fall into that category. The study involves the taking of an anti-depressent (one pill) and some PET scans and so forth. The researcher sent me most of the info. I am not quite sure I want to voluntarily put myself through exams and blood tests and brain scans, which most people find extremely nerve-wracking and unpleasant. 

I guess this is why they say those études are for the desperate. When the desperados, hoping to cash in an extra X amount, discover the prodding that will take place and the weird rooms they will have to sit in for hours being watched, it makes you think twice about the lend-your-body-and-brain-for-fast-cash-approach and wonder if you should just answer an ad to do Erotic Massages.

And what if my brain is already damaged? Do I really want to know that shit? In my wildest dreams, they will sit in a room with me, showing me all the glowing membranes in my brain, lit up purple, red, green, yellow, blue, and explain how each color represents how extraordinarily gifted I am. That I have a brain that is very rare. 

Sometimes, our mothers and fathers cultivate us to believe that we are more special than most people. 

But who really wants to be smarter than everyone else? You would probably go insane, like that guy in A Beautiful Mind, thinking and analysing and giving the people you love more credit than they deserve. Thinking they understand their ulterior motives, or that they are complex enough to always have one. Dissecting relationships; taking every slightest hint of body language, speech, sex, and trying to figure out what the person really meant. What you really mean to that person, rather than just the simple things they tell you they feel.

I do that a lot. I think people are a lot more deep than they are, oftentimes. But maybe they are really deep!

I wonder what the pill would do to my brain for one day.

xx

Anne